Chaumont to Dijon – via Longres and Longeau July 30th

Attempt to leave Chaumont, much like the Hotel California this proves nigh on impossible. Route Barre!! Just waiting for the living dead to finish us off.  Let’s hope we make it out of here by then, at this point it’s not looking likely. Hate Chaumont. Grr.

Finally on the open road again, tensions of chavs-mont seeping away. Oh, the relief! The countryside is changing. The hills are becoming more severe, Onzo is still zooming though, charging past the fields of sunflowers that stretch as far as the eye can see. Charles de Gaulle memorial monument stands proud against the sky.

We have left the Champagne region and entered Burgundy. Shamefully it took us a while to work out that Burgundy is the same as Bourgogne. No wonder we keep getting lost! Manage to get to Langres. Langres is spot on. Public loos are a blessing (daren’t use ours ‘cos of poo fail!), and town itself provides a welcome shot of civilisation after Chaumont. It’s another ancient hill top town (sensing a theme) with more gates and towers than people, how fortified can one place be??

Croissants somewhat less steroid fed than in Mesnil, but delicious and satisfying nonetheless. Finished mother’s gooseberry jam; this is a sad moment. But on the upside Noush says the budget now allows butter. This is EXCELLENT news.

Decide to head on towards Dijon, find somewhere to stay on the way, hit Dijon tomorrow. This is a plan that’s going very very well until we pass through  Longeau. ONZO STOP!! There’s a bar with free wifi.

Bring back old France – well we just found it. So keen were we to get in this bar the Van was parked mostly on pavement and not in the parking space. (No ticket on return either, take note parking Nazis from Brown’s Britain). Matters not here sir, this is the forgotten France of Mitterrand, Gauloises and 2cv’s of yesteryear knocking a hundred down the autoroute,  bottle of Pastis in hand.

Picture the scene if you will: 12.30, proper French café, cold beer, excellent food and full. Not just full, but the clientele were workmen coming in for some lunchtime refreshment. Can you imagine a bar in the UK with the workforce of Balfor Beaty having a couple of beers over lunch and then finishing off with a glass of wine before going back to work? The hum of the bar was like a taking a step back in time. Does the world really still exist like this? If we could have stayed we would, but we would have definitely needed the Gendarmerie from Mesnil (see Vodka yarn). The bar was called Café De l’esperances. Big shout out to a wonderful, thriving bar.

Dijon City Centre:

 On reaching Dijon we dined in the scenic splendour of the Carefour car park overlooking probably the biggest shopping centre in NATO. We stocked up in the food section of the shop, which whilst only a small part of the whole centre was so big some of the staff went round on roller blades!

As is par for the course we got lost on the way into Dijon with another diversion and road closure for good measure. However, the pain was worth it. Dijon is a magnificent place. The buildings, the atmosphere the whole feel for the place was spot on. There’s a really cosmopolitan, young feel to the place and it feels vibey and fun. Drivers are all relentlessly mental though as we observed when we stopped at the (extremely awesome) Café Berthom.

Epic lost on leaving too. Route barre, route barre, why oh why??! A lack of a will to live results in a total fail to be bothered to turn around and retrace steps to find the correct exit. This ends up in a gentle and scenic hill climb on a small insignificant road that, in turn, leads to the discovery of a perfect layby in which to spend the night. Viewing point, Bourgogne spread at our feet, peaceful, wooded, secluded and… peculiarly full of single men, solitary in their expensive saloons, perhaps hoping to indulge in a little cinq a sept al fresco? This does not deter us, Moo will see them off. Lovely evening, off to bed, mezza luna to hand (soyez vigilante!), full moon watching over us.

Survived night in sketchy layby, single men still arriving over breakfast, what does go on here?!

Convinced we saw George Michael.

Today we’re off to Beaune…(irony somewhere in that me thinks)

Mesnil to Chaumont via Bar sur Aube Sunday 29th July

Will we ever learn how to empty the unmentionable??? Poo fail! Embarrassment leads to us scarpering out of a town we can’t even remember the name of.  Blushing faces quickly cooled by Bar sur Aube, the prettiest of little towns, river running through it, lovely quaint houses, old and pleasant feel, and no opportunities for getting involved with van plumbing in site. Bliss. 

I thought it odd, whilst at poo fail that a family of French folks in a spangly expensive camper were parked right next to the shit emptying device (that we couldn’t use) eating lunch. Why? The whole of France to eat lunch and they chose there, or in hindsight the ‘hole’ of France, one can only wonder. Num num num.

Chaumont – don’t go here. Not only did we get epically lost in a town the size of  say Moreton in the marsh for what felt like hours (I jest not) it was unfortunately populated by the land of the three fingered glove. I can only think people who were sent down in places like Luton have been sent to live here. (only surprised we didn’t see Gordon Brown gurning in a Café blaming everything on Maggie). The local campsite was an oasis that we sought refuge in for the night and very pleasant it was.

A day tarnished by Brown in more way than one.

Mesnil Market Sunday 29th July

Up early with disastrous shab. Still, the thought of fresh produce and wandering around a traditional rural French market inspires the senses, so after a a brain-freeze inducing cold (free, oui!) shower lake-side, off we go to Mensil market.

Mensil market consists of two vans. Yes two. Not quite the glorious spread of fruit and veg we were hoping for. One of the vans is selling roast chicken (?!) and the other is manned by a hopeful Frenchman purveying a small selection of dubious looking homebrew.  Market fail. Straight to boulangerie for breakfast supplies, plate sized croissants see us right. Decide that Mesnil has given us all it has to offer so off we go.

Troyes city centre (and another night at Mesnil) Saturday 29th July

Jon up early, annoyingly bright eyed and bushy tailed, Noush…well.. not so much. Weather slightly overcast so a good day for a mooch around the city centre. For once there are no dramas finding the city centre (but let’s face it, we’ve been here before!). Troyes is a soul easing city. It’s old: creakingly, leaningly, medievally old. The buildings all have a wonk on, beams askew, shutters dropping and all peeling and faded, but happily leaving living side by side with sensitive modern architecture. A busy and happening café society is alive and kicking, it’s fun. Why are the French so obsessed with their hair?? There are more hairdressers per square mile than in the whole of the world. Anywhere. Ever. And they’re all bald men!! But all the shops live in the history and the peace of the city, just loved it here. 

Eventually we leave the city to get back to Mesnil for BBQ and Moo walk (naturally we get lost, but it’s less painful than normal, I think we’re getting good at it).

Zut alors! Les flics! The Gendarmerie have landed… C’est un catastrophe! Or is it….

After a refreshing swim in the lake (bliss) we de camped to the van for bbq and beer. This is a nice place. Feeling very relaxed after the strains of the city. A good time to crack open the bottle of very expensive Russian Vodka we purchased. Fast forward two hours and a very nearly empty bottle of rather tasty Vodka and the bloody law turn up. Two young Gendarmes ask us politely to move on as apparently you can’t stay here after 10pm. (We knew this).  Noush politely, and in mildly slurred French explains we stayed here last night and besides that we can’t move (the 200 yards down the road) because we may be one over the eight. Mr plod replies that as we speak French, we could definitely understand the signs and we knew full well that we shouldn’t be overnighting, but as long as we proceed in a steady fashion all will be well. So we did. It might have been a slight give away that I parked the van across the spaces rather than in it, but hey, seems we were given permission from above. In fact it kind of summed up the place. Signs clearly stated no dogs on beach, no swimming, no walking and all manner of normal activities you’d expect around a lake in summer were not allowed. Drink driving, however, is.

Only in France. Hic.

Perestroika.

Looking forward to Mesnil Sunday market tomorrow (not too early please). 

Mesnil Saint Pere Friday 28th July

Martin Luther King famously said ‘I have a dream’. Our dream was lakeside camping for the weekend. Seems we found it with the place above. Again, a fairly non-descript place, very linear, but it lead to a massive lake with a beach. Job done.

Win of the week (and we need one!!) came from Noush who managed against seemingly impossible odds to fix the fridge. There is more ways to run the fridge in the van than there is ways to cook an egg. The one we needed was gas (yeah, go figure – gas to run the fridge) it’s like asking someone to put another log on the fire to get the ice maker rocking. Anyway, after dismantling the vent and most of the van we got it working, Turns out the igniter was kaput. So a quick trip into Troyes resulted in the purchase of a gas lighter thing (7 bloody euros though) but we have cold beer. Nuff said. (Jon bed by 8pm!).

Epernay to Chalons en Champagne (except we didn’t go there in there end). So, Epernay to Troyes (where we went by mistake).

Had planned to take in a tour of one of the Champagne Houses, but decided to abort. Too expensive and neither of us love Champagne enough. Decide to head to Chalons en Champagne instead to get some culture. Aborted that too. Weather muggy and close; what we need is water! We find a campsite on a lake near Troyes to aim for…cool water, woods, shade, BBQ, lay up for the weekend and explore the city at our leisure. Lovely.

Only proviso to getting there is that we avoid Troyes city centre at all costs.

Troyes City Centre

Will we ever stop getting bloody lost??? Extricate selves from Troyes, retrace steps, finally find lake, good for drowning certain people in I hope. 

Laon to Epernay - 26th July

Quel surprise, lost again. But really a rather lovely problem being lost in the champagne region, miles and miles of beautiful rolling vineyards, names of all the old Champagne Houses discreetly marking the entrance to grand family dynasties, weather gorgeous, scenery gorgeous, the village we are lost in.. also gorgeous.  We carry on, hopeful of establishing where we are, but once again, upon arrival at the point of ‘STOP ONZO!!’ (campsite spotted), we find ourselves asking the receptionist, who will henceforth be known as Campsite Captain Incapable Woman, which town we are in, and it turns out we made it to Epernay after all.  Also turns out it was lucky she managed to get even that bit of info correct. And not like we could really check what with it being a €5 euro for an hour (a hour!) wifi charge. Seriously?! It’s not even the Noush budget that’s the problem, it’s the principal of the thing. Still, the campsite seems lovely, sun is shining, all is well.

Campsite Captain Incapable Woman says there’s a light show on the Avenue de Champagne tonight, Noush wants to go, Jon can’t be arsed. Campsite Captain Incapable Woman gives us a map and the route for a lovely river walk that takes you into Centre Ville and to said Avenue.  Light show starts at 10:30pm she says, a half hour walk she says. Quick easy walk, take the Moo, see Epernay by night, have a drink and wander back Noush says. Jon acquiesces. We leave for town at about 9.30pm. Approximately four days later, dehydrated, exhausted, footsore, we arrive at the Avenue de Champagne. Light show over. Bars closing. And then, of course, we have to walk back. Noush is not popular with either Jon or Moo at this point. And no light show. Why don’t the French stay up later? Surely they should be up til all hours drinking Champagne until it’s coursing through their veins, plotting their latest extravagance?

So. We walk back. It’s actually a wonderful place: classy, stylish and dignified, redolent of the money but not crass with it, the streets bathed with a Champagne atmosphere, the names of the Champagne Houses smiling benevolently, luxuriously and totally unassailably down at us. Oh for a drink of anything!  Unable to find a single bar or shop at which to buy a single drop of liquid. Dehydration levels critical, (who knew you could die of thirst in the champagne region?), everybody limping.

Mcdonalds, yes it’s that bad, saves the day. 20 Litres of Fanta later and we’re all ready to take on the world (11.30pm, good time for world domination).

Get back to the campsite and it turns out that Campsite Captain Incapable has pulled yet another blinder. We are locked out. No access after 10pm unless you have a code. She did not give us a code. We have no code. What we have is a perimeter fence, a Campsite Captain Incapable who tells you to go to town for something that starts at 10:30pm (it didn’t), tells you it’s half an hour away (it wasn’t) and fails to tell you that the campsite is inaccessible after 10pm without a gate code (it very much is). 

So to sum up; we have paid a small fortune to sleep somewhere that we can’t get access to because we went to see something that wasn’t there.

Longing gazes at Onzo, so close and yet so far, how does one get a Moo over a perimeter fence?  Moo is going to need a bigger doghouse within which to live forever, but let’s face it, if he’s anything like us two he won’t be able to find it and when he does he won’t be able to get in. 

Laon

Hot, narrow, stoney, high. Onzo zoomed up the hill. Moo melted. Old city gorgeous, from a certain view the cathedral looks like it’s floating in the sky and the rose window and stained glass are actually slightly heart stopping. Beautiful. Odd to see such an old city being used normally in the modern world. Don’t bother with downtown Laon, not so very nice.

Amiens to Laon (via Noyon) – 26th July

Moo has pissed the bed. Yep, awoke to find Moo on the couch thing in the Van. All became clear as due to wet bed Moo bailed and kipped on the couch.

Moo is in disgrace. (See picture of confession outside church)

We liked Amiens. Amazing buildings. Good to meet up with Noush’s dad and Leslie. The restaurant we ate in was crap though – unusually for the French the steak resembled Ghandi’s slipper.

Drove to Noyon (via some shit hole called Roy!) with that hazy summer morning weather that usually means a scorcher is on the way. Drove past some war memorials, beautifully tended with the white grave stones all in rows. Makes you feel very humble and hollow. The landscape is flat as far as the eye can see; you can almost hear the spitfire overhead and the incessant artillery and feel death hanging in the air. Very sobering.

How come French Lorries go so much faster than ours? And….who on earth dreamt up priorite a l’adroite? Must have been some piss up. Absinthe I reckon.

Noush has clamped down on the budget. Having to eat bread (no butter going on here mind) with Mothers gooseberry jam. Whoop.

Still no one has ‘turned out’ proper on the can. Stalemate.

Amiens - 25th July

Amiens is beautiful and navigable and Onzo friendly.  (Jon would say it’s also quite man-pee friendly. Jon: 4, Noush: 1). On that classy note we decide to absorb some local culture before the lunch date and go for a mooch about. It’s a great city, lovely feel to it, feel very at home here. Scorching weather, lovely people, jaw dropping architecture around every corner (and oddly a beach in the city centre?? Why can’t adults play?). Cathedral beautiful, a stained glass rose window to rival the finest.  Much culture and soul soothing views taken in, heat intense but welcome (why won’t Moo get in the fountain thingy?? Nesh), time for a cold one.

Usually Parents rendez vous means self sabotage night previous resulting in monster shabby hangover. Happily, for once this not the case. However the universe has other ideas…like father like daughter, Father’s car breaks down just outside Amiens (C’est un catastrophe! Is it related to Onzo?). This results in our ‘cold one’ becoming a ‘cold several’..

6 hours later….We eventually meet. Totally sober of course…Wonderful evening, wonderful city. Everybody happy. Totally perfect.  Everybody (Moo included) probably drunk a teeny bit too much though…  

Mametz to Amiens, via Frevent

Onzo all fixed, no significant problems to report. Onzo, Jon, Noush and Moo (the hound) all in fine fettle. Off we go to Amiens. Stop in lovely small town for a savage espresso and some brekkie. Noush successfully steals a teaspoon (aaah the little pleasures and the trials of a harsh budget!).

Khazi remains unchristened. 

Got somewhere (but not sure where)!! - 24th July

STOP ONZO! There’s a bar! Whoop! Turns out there’s a campsite round the corner from the Bar. Turns out campsite awesome. Mais oui, mais oui Rodney! La vie en rose. Whoop.  No idea where we are though.

Mametz (turns out that’s where we are)

Two nights in Fred’s campsite, beautiful place based around an old mill, with a crystal clear flowing river, functioning mill wheel, nearby fishing and woods, old chateau, the works.  After the dramas of getting here it really has proved to be a little bit of paradise, helped just a teeny bit by the excellence of the fortuitously located bar. Tomorrow’s destination is Amiens, off to meet Noush’s father and his wife for a spot of culture and a civilised lunch.

Hello France! – 23rd July

Or more to the point, hello Calais. Made it out of the docks to surprisingly beautiful Calais, but is Onzo fixed….? Decide to go for breakfast in Calais, just an hour or so (or so we thought).. check state of leak.. get some serious coffee down and then zoom!

Calais…6 hours later, still bloody there

Major lap top fail results in long protracted incomprehensible phone calls to banking institutions (read India) and the mother of all arguments. Onzo still appears to be leaking. Miles travelled on French soil: approximately 5, leaks: 1, arguments: 1. Not beautiful Calais. GRR. Decide to leave Calais and make a break south anyway. Test Onzo, change of scene. Oui.

Failing to Leave Calais

It is officially impossible to leave Calais. All roads lead to Calais, not Rome. They lied. Miles travelled: about a million (all in sodding Calais), Leaks: daren’t look, Arguments: commensurate with mileage.

Failing to get anywhere

Noush risks eviction and undertakes map reading. Every. Single. Sodding. Road. Closed. All systems critical including petrol (unless you’re going uphill, in which case the tank appears to be full. Love Onzo.)

Van Fail 6

Hate Onzo. Leaking heap of sh*t. Carry on regardless.  Beer essential at this point.

Van Fail 5 - Day of departure 22nd July - (very excited)

Left Sheffield.

Big day for Noush, Locked the door on her first house and left behind friends and the place she has lived for 9 years.

Still, we're off.

Car deposited with Dave in deepest darkest Essex. Dave couldn't be arsed to provide refreshment despite having not seen him for bloody years. He went to the Cinema with his OH. 

On the way to Dover the fuel gauge has decided to make rapid progress towards the empty side. Houston we have a problem - again.

Turns out when we arrive that the Van has sprung another (yes, another) leak. This time we lost half a tank of  diesel between Essex and Dover.

It's 11.30pm, there is a massive puddle of black stuff underneath the Van. Oh shit, are we going home already??

The fourth emergency service are summoned.

Top bloke has turned up and fixed the leak which apparently wasn't done properly in the first place. Thanks Capel Motors in Sheffield.

12.30pm - looks like we may make northern France. Warm glass of white to celebrate. (No the fridge doesn't work either)

Good bye blighty.

Van Fail 4

Good news all leaks fixed (or so we thought!! - i'll come to this later)

Bad news there's been a accident.

Who the F@*k puts a telegraph pole on a pavement??

Damage report - 2 broken lights an a scaped side.

Very angry.

Miles travelled on trip 0 Crashed 2

Van Fail 3

Good news is the leak fixed. The bad news is have 2 more. A diesel  one and a oil one.

Whoop.

Van Fail 2 - 18th July

Just returned home from fixing the leak and crashed into a wall in car park. Minor damage sustained by way of cracked bumper.

Angry.

Miles travelled on trip 0 Crashes 1

Van Fail 1 - Leak 18th July

Ok, we have a leak. The leak is everywhere. But, we don't know where it comes from.

Solution meet sketchy Plumber in pub car park. Leak has been found and suggestion to purchase a hose connector tomorrow. Whoop Van is fixed.

Introducing Onzo the Van

After hours and hours of trawling through the internet and learning FAR too much about motorhomes, campervans, race vans, rip off merchants and sketchy advertisers we would like you to meet our new Van. He's called Onzo, he zooms, he's supercool and he's our home for the foreseeable future.

As yet no one has christened the kazi - i fear there may be some faces pulled after the first strong black coffee - ahem.